


The Starblaster Is An Agreed Upon No-Bone Zone

by Go0se



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: M/M, Misunderstandings, My 69th AO3 Post, One Shot, Post-Episode: e067-069 Story and Song Parts 1-3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-10-31 09:09:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17846543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Go0se/pseuds/Go0se
Summary: Now that their long, long journey is over (and everything else has just started), the IPRE members have moved back into the Starblaster and brought some of their other loved ones. It's just for a while. The close quarters aren't necessary anymore, but it's nice to be together.Mostly. Some of the usual housemate downsides still apply.





	The Starblaster Is An Agreed Upon No-Bone Zone

Magnus stood in the middle of the Starblaster’s den, shifting on his feet and then shifting the armful of groceries he'd just got from the Fantasy Safeway. He huffed exasperatedly.

Down the short hallway of the cabins, behind the closed door of the last one on the left, reverberated another Taako Moan (TM). " _Gods,_ right there, babe-- you really do have magic hands-- _oof--_ "

Magnus winced and wished strongly for fantasy earplugs.  
He was not a shy man, especially not with his family of a century-plus years, but there was a difference between not having a problem getting your whole naked body out in front of somebody to change clothes or have a shower, or whatever, and intentionally walking in on them while they were naked and, uh, occupied. There was basic decorum for this kind of shit.

 

Basic decorum didn't take into account everything, though. Specifically two things. One: Taako had promised Magnus scone-baking lessons today, which Taako wouldn't be able to provide if he was, as it sounded like, going to Pound Town with his grim boyfriend--

“ _I’ve got chills, keep going--”_

And two, Magnus thought determinedly, after the end of the world everyone had agreed that the Starblaster was a no-boning zone.

That has not always been the case. There wasn't really any privacy after living with six other people in that small of a space for so long, but they could pretend there was, and pretend all of them definitely had. Especially after Barry and Lup had gotten together, they'd all kinda had to deal with the discomfort of sleeping in fantasy earplugs, or else face the consequences of thin cabin walls and never mentioning it out loud ever.  
Taako had eventually invented a muffling spell that turned on-- so to speak-- when you slid the lock panel on your door shut, but apparently he’d just forgotten about that.  
(... ouch. Okay, Magnus, bad phrasing on that one buddy. Sorry, Magnus.)

But now it was all different. There was way more space out there on Faerun than Magnus could properly even _imagine_ , and while the Starblaster was still home, they all had so much time to go out and enjoy it now. Years and years on end in this one, kinda horrific, kinda beautiful plane and planet. They could go wherever they wanted.

They could metaphorically go as far as they wanted with whomstever was their consenting partner, as long as it _wasn’t on the spaceship_.

  
Really, Magnus reasoned to himself, it was Taako who’d been rude first. As was kinda usual.

 

Down the hall Taako let out another trademarked moan, accompanied with a garbled string of swear words. Magnus was impressed at the variety. He was also done with this. Making up his mind, he strode purposefully across the den and down the short hall of cabins. (He wasn’t going to rush in when he was carrying a carton of eggs. What was he, an amateur?)  
  


Taako’s cabin still had the glittery ‘TL’ he and Lup had scorched into it somewhere in the second decade. He shifted his armful of groceries to free one hand and then knocked strongly on the door, three quick thumps. "Hey, Taako?"

Taako’s string of encouragements petered off for a moment. “Hey, who’s that huh?” He called out after a minute.

“It’s me,” Magnus answered, exasperation in his voice. “Sorry to, uh, interrupt but you said--”

“Hey look, I can’t hear you super great through the door, kemosabe! Gimme a sec!” There was a click, and the air flared with the smell of ozone-- magic, Magnus knew instinctively-- as Taako’s cabin door flew open.  
  


Magnus wheeled to the side as quickly as he could, his boots squeaky on the Starblasters floorboards. He couldn’t drop the groceries, but he had zero desire to see Taako post-coitus or his bony boyfriend naked. “Dude!”  
“What?” Taako’s voice was calm and genuinely curious. Not his I’m-being-a-dumbass-because-it’s-funny-to-watch-this-fucker-lose-their-shit tone. “You’re not making a whole lotta sense right now, Maggie. Hang on-- is it ‘cause my man is here? Because, I told you, he’s way over that trying to kill us shit.”

“Hello, uh. Goooood afternoon, Magnus,” Kravitz piped up, trying to sound polite and without a stitch of his work accent.

Magnus squinted his eyes mostly shut, then turned towards the door again. After a moment he blinked normally, eyes open. “Oh-- you guys aren’t fucking?”

Kravitz coughed into his hand, flesh melting like smoke away from the bones of his arm, and stepped back instinctively from Taako. The elf in question was laying comfortably on a fantasy massage table, half-propped up on his elbow and looking at Magnus with an eyebrow raised. He was fully dressed in turqoise sweatpants and an agressively clashing yellow t-shirt that had zebra stripes all over it, his long hair worn down in braids. Kravitz, too, was wearing his regular outfit of black on more black. They were both inside Taako’s pop-up pocket spa, which just barely fit in the cabin itself. The cool blue and pink canvas walls were pressed flat to the side of Taako’s cabin, as much of it as Magnus could see from the door. He must've Banished the bed or something to make room. Soothing music floated like a fine mist out to the hallway, accompanied by a pleasant warmth that was scented... green, somehow.  
“Not right now, no,” Taako replied dryly.

“But I heard you all the way from the den!”  
“Yeah, having a date day. Krav here was giving me a massage,” Taako explained, pointing a fingernail shellacked in a warm rose-tone towards Kravitz, who waved awkwardly. (The Grim Reaper's arm had fully re-materialized now.) “I’ve got a lot of _tension,_ y’know? And he’s a pretty good masseusse, I have to say; even with the chills, although they’re kinda nice too when you’re all--”

“ _Okay,_ Taako, I think he gets it,” Kravitz interrupted hurriedly. The skin on his cheeks were turning a deeper brown, which was kind of impressive to see; who knew Grim Reapers could blush? Taako, apparently. He coughed again, then straightened the ends of his rolled-up sleeves. “Was there something that you needed, Magnus?”

“Oh. Uh, yeah,” Magnus said. The grocery pile had gotten a little precarious, so he just shrugged with the entire bundle as best he could. “I mean, first of all, we all agreed not to bone down with anybody on the ship--”

“Of course not, what kind of elf do you think I am?” Taako pressed a hand to his chest, his ears pinning back in shock.  
Or fake shock. Magnus was pretty sure he was faking now, but his own insight checks had never been so good. He shrugged, careful to tip the packet of chocolate chips back onto the pile as he did. “Secondly, you said you’d teach me how to bake scones this afternoon, Taako.”  
Taako seemed to take a moment to process that, then smiled brightly, his ears perking performance-high. “Right! That lesson that was totally a real plan which I didn’t forget. Well, no problem, Maggie. How about you take all that good food shit down to the caf? We’ll have way more space to work with out there, so we can do a couple batches at once when your first one turn into rocks.”  
Magnus snorted, even though his pride stung a little. “I only did that _once,_ ” he protested half-heartedly.  
“Sure, man. Whatever helps you siesta. Just go ahead and set up the pots and bowls and a couple stoves for us, okay? I’ve got to dress up first.”  
“You’re already wearing stuff though,” Magnus said, at the same time as Kravitz told Taako, “I think you look great, babe,” with the same level of confidence that Taako had spoken with before.  
Taako smiled and laughed at the compliment. “What, this old thing?”

“I’m leaving now,” Magnus announced, turning back down the hall again. “Taako, you’ll be down there soon, right? I’ll wait for you!”

“I sure will! Remember to separate the dry ingredients from the eggs and milk!” Taako’s voice folowed him down the hall.

 

Magnus shook his head with a grin as he left, stepping onto the gangplank into the new Bureau’s bright open campus and the sunshine pouring across it. “Serves me for assuming, I guess,” he muttered out loud to the air.  
He’d have to ask Taako to share that awesome red polish with him later. His own nails were getting kinda janked from all the rebuilding work. And whether Taako had been joking about never breaking rules or not, the pocket spa had looked pretty comfortable, like it always did.  
When it was time for everybody to spread out, Magnus decided, he’d get a homestead somewhere nice. He'd adopt _many_ dogs, and build his own pocket spa somewhere near a groundsping so it’d be warm. It was good to have a plan.

Whistling cheerfully, he made a beeline for the cafeteria.

  

Back in the ship, Kravitz sat down on the edge of the fantasy massage table and sighed with his face in his hands. “Talking with your family is stressful,” he told Taako, voice muffled through his fingers.  
Taako pulled himself up into a crunch, then swung his legs over the edge of the table and sat up, leaning into his boyfriend's side. He curled his arm around Kravitz’s shoulders. “Aw, babe. It’ll get easier. They’re all going to be crazy for you. Because I am.”  
Kavitz blushed again and slowly settled his hands back to his sides, looping one arm back around Taako. “I am very lucky for that,” he murmured.  
Taako pressed the side of their heads together for a second. _Me too_ , he thought, but didn't say out loud. _It's too early in the day for sappy shit_ , he almost convinced himself.

Brushing the thoughts aside, he pulled back again a moment later, expression full of mischief. “Hey, Krav? I think Magnus should have a bit of a buffer to pick the right stoves and pots and everything.”  
“Are scones that complicated?” Kravitz asked, surprised, turning to face his boyfriend.  
“Oh, aboslutely.  Pastry baking is an _art_ and honestly, with ‘cha boy’s obvious exclusion, some people just aren’t cut out for the challenge. I’m sure Mag will do fine, though,” he added. “What I mean is, d’you want to go back to your place and actually bone for a while? While we have some time?”  
For a moment Kravitz could only stare. Then he laughed, taking Taako’s hands and lifting it to his lips with a soft, chilly kiss. “That,” he said, smiling, “Would be great.”

  
One hastily-healed rip in the fabric of the material plane later, they were gone.

The pocket spa’s various amenities trickled and bubbled and chimed soothingly in their absence, gradually filling the whole hallway and den with the smell of rosewater.

**Author's Note:**

> As the tags say: this is my 69th fanfic on AO3, which is the funny sex number! And I couldn't let that opportunity pass me by without commemorating it properly. I initially typed all of this up in a fugue state.  
> Sorry for the shitpost. Thank you for reading. \o/


End file.
